Chop That Wood and Carry That Water

The dishes don’t care how I feel. They are dirty and they need to be cleaned.

Being a parent encompasses dozens of responsibilities. We all talk about raising our kids but what exactly does that mean? Obviously, we want to teach our kids the difference between right and wrong. We want them to be respectful. We just want the best for them. I believe that our actions are the best teacher.

Our homes are where we raise our kids. It’s the hub of all activity. Kids go to school and parents work. But we all return home to sleep, bathe, cook, and live. I’m a firm believer that the state of my home is a reflection of my life. If your home is in a state of chaos then chores are the most straightforward way to reduce it. I am a more pleasant person when my house is in order. My kids tend to be nicer when their space is clean. And most importantly, my wife is happier when everything is tidy.

Chop Wood, Carry Water

I first learned about “chop wood, carry water” on the Maine episode of Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations. In the episode, the show’s long-time cinematographer, Zach Zamboni, takes Tony to his favorite local spots. In one scene, Zach and Tony are chopping wood so they can heat a cabin in the forest. During their work, Zach mentions the Zen quote:

“Before enlightenment chop wood, carry water. After enlightenment, chop wood, carry water.”

This scene has stayed with me for more than 10 years. I often think about what it means to chop wood and carry water. What I believe it means is that the present moment is all we have. More significantly our work—whether it’s menial or noble—is important. Our path to enlightenment happens through work and challenges.

When there’s a sink full of dishes, toys scattered across the floor, and a hamper of dirty laundry, I tell myself that this is my version of “chop wood, carry water.” This phrase grounds me in reality and gives me the perspective that this is my life. Raising my kids is more than exciting times. Raising my kids doesn’t end when they go to sleep—if anything, my life is busier when they’re asleep. 

I am no expert on Japanese Zen Buddhist Philosophy. But I am a student of life, which means I’m not going to dismiss wisdom just because it comes from a source I don’t typically subscribe to. I think that before one is enlightened, one could view household chores as a burden. Whereas after one becomes enlightened, they would consider their chores as a way to improve and grow. 

Dishes Are What They Are

After a day of working, feeding, bathing, and putting my kids to bed, I don’t really want to do the dishes. I think most people would agree with me. However, the dishes don’t care how I feel. They are dirty and they need to be cleaned. Unless I hire a maid to do the work then it won’t get done.

When something happens, the only thing in your power is your attitude toward it. It is not the things that disturb us, but our interpretation of their significance. Things and people are not what we wish them to be nor are they what they seem to be. They are what they are.

- Epictetus

An attitude shift is all I need to get motivated to clean my house. I’m currently re-reading Discourses and Selected Writings by Epictetus and the quote above stood out to me recently. We often project our desires onto things and people when the reality is that they exist independently of what we want them to be. 

Knowing this and incorporating a chop-wood, carry-water attitude, I’m better at getting on with my chores and enjoying them. All of which give my kids a harmonious living environment and makes me a better father.

Every. Damn. Day

The kicker to all of this is that it never ends. I don’t think this is a bad thing though. I personally don’t desire the life of a hedonist. I find enjoyment in the struggle of daily life. I believe the pursuit of pleasure ultimately ends with pain. The Hedonic Treadmill theory is proof enough for me. Keeping a grounded view of life and experiencing discomfort are all good things—even if they don’t feel like it at the moment.

In summary, I wanted to share the little knowledge I’ve gained from the past five years of being a father. I’ve made many mistakes and will continue to make more but I believe I’m improving every day. I’m willing to sacrifice pleasure and comfort to ensure my children have a good home. This is all part of my path toward enlightenment.

And eventually, I hope my children will learn from the examples in their lives so they can chop their own wood and carry their own water.

As always, thank you for reading. I appreciate your attention.