Grabbing the Smooth Handle

On dealing with difficult people in uncomfortable situations.

The playground can be a rough place.

I read some form of philosophy daily in the hopes that some of it will wear off on me. Why? Because I’m imperfect and need a daily reminder on how to conduct myself properly. Most days I don’t get to exercise my beliefs in obvious situations. The majority of my decisions revolve around what I need to do to be better—things like waking up early, eating healthy, reading, playing with my kids, and telling my wife that I love her. But some days I get to practice my philosophy in stressful situations that require quick thinking.

This past Sunday was one of those days.

Most weekends I take my kids to a local park that they love. This summer was hot so we didn’t see many kids out on a given weekend. The temperature was 10 degrees lower than it had been all summer on Sunday, which brought out throngs of people. This isn’t a bad thing because my kids love to play with others. More friends equals more fun. 

After two hours of playing I was packing up our things to go home. My oldest son approached me because his shoe had fallen off and he needed help. While I was helping him, a dad, about my age, accosted my son claiming that he punched his four-year-old son in the face. I looked at the other dad and asked him if he saw my son hit his son? He said he didn’t but that his son identified my son as the perpetrator. I then asked my son if it was true and he replied with a confident “No.” 

The other dad began to berate my son claiming that he needed to apologize for hitting his son. Again, my oldest said that he didn’t hit the kid and didn’t know what he was talking about. The other dad was growing increasingly frustrated. I told him that my son didn’t hit his son and that he has never hit another kid at a park or at school.

The dad persisted and said that it wasn’t OK for a six-year-old to hit a four-year-old. Again, I told the dad that my son said he didn’t hit his kid. I asked him, “What do you want me to do?” The dad said he wanted an apology. I could tell that he wasn’t going to give it up so I told my son to apologize, even though he didn’t do it. My son was rightfully confused but apologized regardless. With the other dad satisfied, he left us and I told my son that he did the right thing even though he did nothing wrong.

My friend was standing next to me and witnessed the entire exchange. He told me that he was amazed with how calm I was, and how I didn’t raise my voice or match the other dad’s energy. I told him that I try to grab each situation by the smooth handle and not the rough one. That’s because disrespect never receives respect in return. Did I want to get in this guy's face and tell him to back off? One hundred percent! But what would that have done for me? It would have made the situation worse, and I would have given my sons a bad example by implicating myself in ugliness.

I told my son that I was proud of him for being the adult in the situation. I don’t understand why this father came at my son with such aggressive energy, especially when he didn’t know for certain that my kid was the one at fault. We were also approached by a mom who said she didn’t see my son hit anyone. 

We walked to a bench where our things were and continued packing up to go home. The angry dad and his son approached us again but this time to offer an apology. His son had misidentified my son and told his dad that he wasn’t the one who hit him. The father and son said sorry to my kid and wished him the best. 

The other dad said he felt awful for likely ruining my son’s day. I told him that it was fine, and that mistakes happen. Sure, I wanted to rub it in his face that I was right but I could tell he was extremely embarrassed for how he behaved. I didn’t see the need to add insult to injury—especially since he mustered up the courage to say sorry for his actions.

Viewing our actions and situations in the calm lights of mild philosophy takes a mountain of practice. I struggle with it daily but I can tell that I’ve gotten better at putting my impressions to the test before responding impulsively. 

On our way home from the park I told my son again that I was proud of him for staying calm and respectful even when it didn’t feel like the easy thing to do. He responded to me that “he had a great lesson at the park.” And so did I.

Ultimately, I feel empathy for this father. I would never accost a six-year-old in front of his father. Mainly because I don’t want to get knocked out. I can only suspect that this father was bullied when he was a kid and this event triggered some deep seeded emotion within him. I get it, I don’t want anything to happen to my kids either. But I also know that play is how children learn. I can’t fight their battles. Obviously, I won’t tolerate violence but my son wasn’t being violent so the reaction he received wasn’t justified.

I also hope this father doesn’t become a “helicopter parent.” Fighting every little injustice that happens to your child is unrealistic and exhausting. What’s more, it takes away a child’s ability to cope and adapt to myriad situations. I knew a kid from my childhood who had parents that would blame and accuse everyone for things that happened to their kid. Their son was never at fault and everyone else was the problem. Sadly, things didn’t work out for their son like their parents had hoped. It’s sad but it’s also a cautionary tale for myself to let my kids figure things out for themselves.

I’m glad that this story ended well because it wasn’t enjoyable to go through. My son learned a valuable lesson about human behavior. I was especially grateful that I remained calm under pressure by resisting the urge to grab the rough handle. As my fellow dad-in-writing, Michael Venutolo-Mantovani, says, “being a dad is hard as f*ck!”

As always, I appreciate your attention.