Obsessive and Compulsive
Everyday is a struggle but it’s also an opportunity to learn more about myself.
I’m back after several busy weeks. I was recovering from a procedure and didn’t have much ambition or will to write. On top of that, I was finishing up interviews for a new position I was offered, and quitting my current job. It’s been busy and I haven’t made the time to write. But I never wanted this Substack to feel like a job so here we are.
Let’s end my hiatus with a heavy one, because why not? My writing process typically revolves around what I think about when I’m walking or exercising. Lately, I’ve been thinking about how I’m wired and why I’m this way. Spoiler: I don’t know. But I’m getting closer each day.
I’ve always been a particular person. Even as a kid, I was just different for reasons beyond my comprehension. I talk about this frequently with my mother who will share stories about how opinionated I was at an early age. So clearly, it’s a personality trait I was born with and not taught. I’m fairly confident of this.
When I was eight or so, I developed a compulsion to wash my hands excessively. So much so that my hands would crack and bleed. It was a painful and miserable episode of my life that I haven’t told many people about. On top of the physical pain there was the mental anguish. I felt broken. I didn’t feel like I could relate to anybody.
I started to wash my hands because my older brothers told me that I could contract a virus and die. Obviously this freaked me out so I took, what I thought, were the necessary precautions to protect myself. Basically, my brain entered a toxic feedback loop that took me months to escape from.
At one point, I was so paranoid of germs that I would avoid physical contact with anyone. I remember refusing to shake people’s hands at church. And if I had to then I would use my left hand like some sort of weirdo. I received lots of strange looks.
My hands became so cracked and sore that I would wear latex gloves to relieve the pain. Thinking back to that time now is painful. But I’ve had these thoughts and feelings contained in my head for so long that I felt it was time to release them into the world.
My mom finally took me to visit my pediatrician to discuss possible treatments. I remember meeting with my doctor and asking him some obscure questions. Things like, “will I die if I accidentally ingest laundry detergent?”, and “what would happen if a black widow spider bit me?”. He was great and answered my questions rationally and logically. Hearing the confidence in his answers helped me break out of my mental death spiral.
I eventually got back to a normal headspace within a few weeks but I was still obsessive and compulsive. I’ve never been diagnosed with OCD but every online test I’ve taken gives me a clear indication that I suffer from symptoms of the disorder. As I’ve grown, I’ve been able to transform my perceived weakness into one of my strengths. For instance, my chosen profession is detail oriented. So much so that I have to pour over small details to ensure data and programs work as intended. To some people this sounds like hell. But for me it’s a pleasurable experience. I love to learn how complex systems work. I love fixing problems and coming up with clever solutions.
The same holds true for my hobbies. I’m not casually interested in anything. I get completely engulfed and fanatical. I love this aspect about my personality. Although it can be pretty alienating if you’re a bystander who gets engaged in a conversation with me. I’ve learned to temper my enthusiasm unless I’m speaking with another enthusiast. This can be isolating because I don’t enjoy small talk and most people just want to do small talk.
The other side of obsession can be annoyance. The smallest things can annoy me and in turn annoy my family. Do I really need to be upset about one lamp being on? No, because it isn’t consuming that much electricity. Do I need to obsess about keeping my kids clean while they eat? No. They’re small and messes are inevitable. I’m always trying to mitigate a situation.
I have gotten much better over the years to let things be. I’m not nearly as obsessed with keeping my cars as clean as I used to be. I discovered that I actually enjoy driving my cars more when they’re not sparkly clean. Because if they’re showroom clean I don’t want to drive them lest they get dirty. Imagine that!
Raising kids has certainly dulled my compulsive and obsessive tendencies. Being present with them is much more rewarding than fixating on the state of my house. I’ll have plenty of time after they go to sleep to clean and organize. **breathe deep** It’ll be ok.
Everyday is a struggle but it’s also an opportunity to learn more about myself. I hope I’m not the same when I turn 70. I’d consider that a personal failure. I’m a radically better person than I was at 18. I don’t think anybody should stay in their misery because it’s familiar. Understanding what makes you unique and leveraging it to your advantage is the best life hack advice I can give to anyone.
So continue to be yourself and own your flaws. It’s the best way to live.
Thanks for sharing, it's never easy to share stories like that from our past.
> Raising kids has certainly dulled my compulsive and obsessive tendencies. Being present with them is much more rewarding than fixating on the state of my house. I’ll have plenty of time after they go to sleep to clean and organize. **breathe deep** It’ll be ok.
I repeat to myself, in a goosfraba fashion, "clean enough to be healthy, messy enough to be happy."
My daughter Ava went through a period where she was overly concerned about germs and obsessively washed, it didn’t last too long, but she had cracking hands, and anxiety. It coincided with the birth of our younger daughter, I think all the talk and focus of being careful around the baby had amplified the behavior.
I think that people who are passionately invested in their hobbies are more interesting. I’m interested in everything interesting, so talking to someone who has a deep knowledge of something is always a fun chance to learn something new. So I think if someone doesn’t appreciate your passion, it’s their loss.
I like the details, but that part of my personality often loses to my impatience or attention span, it should absolutely be an asset in your field to focus on something with such dedication.
Thanks for sharing.