Pick Two: Work, Family, or Scene?
The choices I make now may not be the most fun but they’ll pay the biggest dividends later.
Adjusting to and embracing fatherhood is a process. I thought the day my first son was born that I’d magically transition into being a dad. Boy, oh, boy was I wrong. I’m still adjusting to being a father. I’ve gotten better at being a parent with each passing year and new child but ultimately, being a father is a choice. I have to actively participate in my children’s well-being beyond just doing what’s expected of me. And being an active participant in their lives means I have to say no to almost everything that I used to do.
Choices
The author Ryan Holiday has been a major influence in my life over the past few years. I remember the first weekend my wife went back to work and I was home with a baby. I felt like I had been left on an island or locked in a cell. To cope with my new reality, I went searching for wisdom, which is how I discovered Ryan Holiday’s books.
I’ve read all of his books on Stoicism and his various newsletters. How he is able to produce the amount of writing at such a high quality is beyond me. In his latest newsletter entitled No You Can’t Have It All (Especially as a Parent), he said something that stopped me and made me reflect. He said: “Before my two boys, now 4 and 6, were born, a writer gave me similar advice, much more succinctly. ‘Work, family, scene,’ he said. ‘Pick two.’”
I had never compartmentalized my life in such a way but it made sense. Everyone gets the same 24 hours a day. We all have dozens of things that need our attention and there’s only so much you can give and do. You have to choose what you want to focus on because you can’t do everything.
Scene
Before I had kids I was an extremely active person. I spent most of my free time cycling or running. Cycling 150 miles per week wasn’t uncommon for me. Especially since I could cycle year-round because of Georgia’s sub-tropical climate. I spent most weeknights and Saturdays with a local cycling group. My wife was always gracious with my cycling because she knew how much I loved it and how beneficial it was for my health.
One Saturday I was out on an 80-mile group ride. Halfway through the ride, we stopped at a gas station to eat and get water. I made the comment to some of the guys that my wife and I were expecting our first baby in a few months. One of the guys proceeded to say to me, “Well, it’s been nice knowing you.” I thought he was being overly dramatic because how could I give up on cycling? I mean, it’s just a little baby, how much time could a baby take?
After my son was born, I rode maybe five more rides before calling it quits. I just didn’t have the energy and time. I started running more because I could do a run in less time, get a great workout and it was safer. I did most of my cycling in the garage on the trainer with the hope of getting back out there one day.
Once I came to terms with cycling, I decided I needed to do something else that connected me with like-minded people. I’ve always been a fan of cars. To this day, the greatest thing I ever timed was the purchase of my Porsche 911. My wife told me she was pregnant with our oldest son three weeks after I purchased the car. Had I waited to buy it a month later, I doubt I would have purchased it.
Now that I was home all weekend with a baby and I had a fun car to drive, that’s what I did. I took my son on long Sunday afternoon drives all over Northeast Georgia. Some of them totaled 70 miles of pure backroad driving. He mostly slept but I’d take a break halfway through to feed him and change his diaper. These were truly halcyon days.
Along with the weekend drives, I would take my son to cars & coffee and other meetups. People knew my son and loved that I hauled him around in a 911 with a stroller. We made lots of good friends and had wonderful experiences. All of this would change with the birth of my second son.
Pick Two
Going from no kids to one kid is a life-changing event. But having more than one kid complicates what you want to do. As soon as I had adapted to the one-kid life, I had a new baby and more responsibilities. This is where the wheels came off and I had to pick two of my three options: work, family, or scene.
Naturally, I picked work and family over the car scene but that doesn’t mean I made the decision quickly or easily. I still tried to attend meets with my two small sons but after a few attempts, I realized it was going to be more hassle than it was worth. I tried to get babysitters to help but they were too unreliable and expensive.
I tend to make my life more difficult than it needs to be. I encounter other dads at parks and I love to ask them what they do for fun. The two answers I receive the most are playing video games and watching sports. This makes sense since there isn’t a big commitment to doing either—especially after your kids go to bed. I wish I could be content with playing video games or watching sports, but I’m not.
I’ve also discovered that I have an eclectic taste in hobbies. I’m yet to meet a dad at the park who’s into sports cars and/or watches. It just isn’t going to happen. I’ve painted myself into the corner of retired, older gentlemen. All the while, my cohorts are getting together to watch college football and play Halo.
The Long Haul
I know this article might sound like I’m complaining but I’m not. That’s because I’m grateful for my family and the choices I’ve made so far. This is my reality and I chose it. Like any good investment, the choices I make now may not be the most fun or comfortable but in the long haul, they’ll pay the biggest dividends.
One of my biggest hopes is that my sons will want to be friends with their dad when they’re in their 30s. I have a one out of three shot so I think my odds are good. I hope I can challenge my sons to find what interests them outside of the usual distractions. I hope they have eclectic tastes that introduce them to interesting people like my tastes have done for me. And if they don’t like what I like then so be it. I’ll take an interest in what they like so I can continue to bond with my kids and learn from them.
We all have to make difficult and uncomfortable decisions in our lives—especially as a parent. Distilling our choices down to the essentials is a fantastic way to add clarity to our decisions. So what two choices will you choose: Work, family, or scene?
I appreciate your attention, as always.
Very true. But on the positive side we get it back eventually - and we appreciate it so much more. Now we have three adult children and two teens we're starting to rediscover what we like to do, instead of what's convenient. It's a fun transition back to being a n independent person!
Amazing. Couldn’t have said it better!